"It's a somber time," said Zucker. "You expect celebrations and parties in the streets but, sadly, the news just keeps getting worse."
That news, according to sources in the White House, is that the president is on his way to a complete recovery and intends to be back on the campaign trail in full force after Wednesday's vice presidential debate.
"Sometimes, all you can do is throw your hands up and say 'What the fuck?'" said Zucker as he threw his hands up and said what the fuck.
But not everyone at the fake news organization is ready to throw in the towel. Ya Ming, a CNN intern who is currently majoring in creative writing at Yale, sees opportunity where the fake-news boss is stymied.
"Many good story," said the only child who's student visa expired last February. "We make big headrine. Everyone rike. But take time. Keep try."
Zucker agrees that, with one month left, now is not the time to give up. "We were certain that COVID would do the trick but I guess it wasn't a big enough dose."
When asked to clarify the above comment, Zucker stated: "What? I didn't say that. Talk to Griff [CEO of MSNBC]. It was his idea. I don't know what you're talking about."
For now, CNN flags will continue to fly at half-staff, but Zucker has cleared his schedule to work with Ming who is "determined to get that riar out of the White House."