"We understand that many are upset about the decision to go virtual," said Joanne Reilly, the commission's spokeswoman. "As a compromise, we have also given the option to manipulate the video as they see fit."
"How is that a compromise?" asked Donald Trump, Jr. "That's absurd. And it makes literally zero sense. They obviously don't even know what the word 'compromise' means."
According to sources, however, the compromise was between the commission and the Biden campaign, which floated the idea of calling off all future debates. The commission, however, felt that would give the appearance that they were biased.
"We're not biased," said Reilly, "And if we were, we certainly wouldn't flaunt it so egregiously."
"Not biased?" said Trump, Jr., now even more perplexed. "How do we know that Biden isn't reading all of his responses? In fact, how can we even be sure he is the one speaking?"
Reilly agreed those were valid questions, and offered another compromise.
"I suggest we also allow the use of voice modulation software."