Scranton, PA - For weeks, eighty-eight year old Harry Monello sat in his Sunset Lake Nursing Home room thinking about the push-up challenges that Joe Biden often made to voters. Although Monello can't remember if he, himself, has done a single push-up at any time since the Nixon administration, he was confident that he was up to the challenge. He asked Winnie Smith, an underpaid caregiver that "don't take no shit from no one," to set up a push-up contest with the former vice-president.

"My cousin does crank like it's candy," said Smith, "and he has a friend, who has a friend, who's pretty tight with Hunter. So I was able to finagle a visit from his dad."

When Monello heard that Biden had arrived at the facility for the contest, he turned to a picture of a sunflower on the wall, pointed a shaky finger at it, and yelled "It's on! I'll do twice as many push-ups as you, old man!" When he got no response, the curmudgeonly senior, whose "damn kids only visit when they want some fucking money," threw his pudding at the wall.

Moments later, the two men, both of whom have already surpassed the average lifespan in most industrialized countries, squared off in the cafeteria.

Monello went first, and did two squats, although the second one was a bit shaky.

Then, the oldest man to ever run for president gingerly got down on his back and counted to five as he did three sit-ups.

"Beat you, fatso!" Jill's husband screamed before mumbling something about a snowcone.

Monnello has yet to concede, claiming that his opponent, who is currently under investigation by a foreign country for bribery and extortion, started before the whistle blew.